“Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work”

1. You're so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”

2. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!”

3. Your garbage can IS your “in” box.

4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

5. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.

6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through …er…. Monday.

7. You sleep more at work than at home.

8. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

9. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”

4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It's a Small World” incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I've got new socks on!”

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

23. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

24. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

25. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You're one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

27. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”

28. Leave a box between the doors.

29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

31. Start a sing-along.

32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

33. Play the harmonica.

34. Shadow box.

35. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

36. Lean against the button panel.

37. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

40. Bring a chair along.

41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

42. Blow spit bubbles.

43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

44. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

47. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

48. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it's getting larger.”

49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others

# Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

# If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

# Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

# Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

# Reply to everything someone says with “that's what YOU think.”

# Practice making fax and modem noises.

# Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.

# Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

# Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

# Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

# Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

# Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

# Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

# Staple papers in the middle of the page.

# Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

# Honk and wave to strangers.

# Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

# TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

# type only in lowercase.

# dont use any punctuation either

# Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

# Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it's gone now.”

# As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

# Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

# Ask people what gender they are.

# While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

# Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

# Sing along at the opera.

You Know You're In California When…

Things To Think About Our Government:

1. 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

2. 7 Have been arrested for fraud.

3. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

4. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

5. 3 Have been arrested for assault.

6. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.

7. 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

8. 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,

9. 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

10. 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.